I've been in a soft kind of paralysis most of the day. I went swimming at 6:00. Came home and ate some eggs and toast. Drank some tea. And then ... I just sort of ground to a halt.
I wasn't in pain, or sleepy. I was just void of course. I couldn't read or even play on the computer. I watched a movie I'd already seen and the end of another, which was pretty good. I wasn't even fully watching. I was flipping through magazines and books, checking email. Mildly fidgety. Mostly just ... stopped. A stopped person.
It hasn't been bad really. Just vacant.
Anyway. I was checking in on Facebook and saw the last three blog posts. So I want to see if this one will.

In an effort to get my blogging on I am going through the blog roll. It's bringing back memories. I used to start every morning reading blogs. My blog roll was and still is a bit unwieldy so I'm cutting it down. I don't know how much I can do but I have the time that I didn't have when I was working at EA.
I've been hanging back. Trying not to get back in the mix. I guess I'm afraid that I can't write regularly anymore. Or write at all. It's not about ability. I know I can write. It's about will and spirit and heart and (maybe) a sense that it matters. I'm feeling through it. I feel a lot like I did when I first blogged. Extremely uncertain.
It used to drive me crazy when someone I read stopped writing. I felt abandoned. And then I stopped. The commute. The job. My general state of mind. I just couldn't get it done. I'm not sure that's changed.
I think I'll move the Fatshadow.com URL here because it's easier. I just have to figure it out.

I've been playing with my Sims. Even after days of working on the game I always enjoyed playing with my own Sims. If we were doing a lot of overtime I usually didn't play much but most of the time I played on weekend mornings.
I still play Sims 2. I have a lot of investment in what I've been doing with my community and, although I love a lot of things about Sims 3, the game play changed in ways that I don't love. It's still the Sims. It's still fun in many of the same ways.
I learned a lot about gaming and gamers while I worked at EA. I learned about play style. There was one woman who played as much if not more than I did but played in a different way. I'm always telling a story with my game. The story happens in my head. The plot is a bit weak but the story is always in my head. She was more about setting a goal and accomplishing it. I micro manage my Sims trying to keep their moods met and their aspirations being filled. I would look over at her screen and her Sims would be starving and exhausted because she was pushing them to plant some amount of tomatoes, or something.
I started a community with thirteen families and thirteen romance Sims. I started them in college so they had time to develop relationships and build some skills. College is the only Sims game I really don't enjoy. It just takes too long. But I like having double want clicks. They all graduated and had babies and I paired up those kids. Those kids graduated and had kids. My big game goal is to have all of my original Sims become ghosts, their kid's kids begin to graduate and they become elders. I'm very close to that now. One of my Romance Sims died.
If you don't play the game or ignore the aspirations and needs then none of this will make any sense but this Sim's death demonstrates one of the reasons I love the game. I have my story but the game shapes it in many ways. Things that happen in one Sim house impact Sims in other houses. When this Sim died one of her grandchildren in another house went into aspiration failure. I didn't realize that and I played the kid into college. When she arrived at college she fell on the ground and the aspiration failure animation played. It's very cute. There's a goofy psychiatrist who drops from the sky and helps the Sim pull it together. So she gets out of the taxi with her three new school mates has the big break down, they look at her like she's crazy. It's the kind of thing I try not to let happen. I like happy Sims. But it was really cute and funny. And it adds a whole dynamic to my background story. If the game holds together I could imagine playing for a long time.
I never understand why some Sim families are just more fun than others. It's really the same game play. There are slight differences in aspirations but it's pretty much all the same. But I am so charmed by some of my Sims. I find myself smiling the whole time I'm playing. And some of my Sims annoy me. It's very odd.
I don't really know gamers outside of EA. And no one there really got into my stories. They all thought I was kind of weird. There was one time at EA when I was able to show a producer my home game. He got excited and called other producers to see it. That was fun.
I wished the producers would listen to me more. I never really felt as valued as everyone told me I was. And how valuable could I have been? I did make it through the first two lay offs last year. Sigh. So here I am comforting myself with my dolls.

I'm going to try this again. The theory is that when I write on Blogger it will show up on Facebook. It is showing up but when other people do this you can click and go to the full post. Not sure why that didn't kick in for me.
I also updated my Twitter this morning and that's supposed to show up as my status, which sometimes works and sometimes doesn't. Today it didn't. I wish Facebook would spend as much time making things work as they do creating new entry portals that everyone hates. I've lost so many gifts lately.
It is Fat Tuesday. I love Fat Tuesday. I love a day that celebrates abundance.
The flurry of news reports about Kevin Smith yesterday have been followed by silence, which is how it goes. A day of making fun of fat people. There will be more.
One of the meanest things I heard yesterday was a woman who was the head of some anti obesity something who kept talking about life style choices. I'm wary of pathologizing weight but I have met fat people who believe they have a food addiction. Telling them they're making a life style choice is like telling a drug addict to just say no. There are also fat people with heath issues that make weight loss difficult. I always feel like I need to know a lot about medical stuff I have no interest in when I try to make this case. And people working two jobs trying keep up may chose high carb and fat fast food because it's what they have time for and can afford. Are they making a life style choice? And really if the issue is life style choice ... should a thin person making the crap food and no exercise life style choice be charge more for airplane travel?
Teenagers are getting the surgery. No one knows what the long term impacts will be. It's heartbreaking to me.
I may have forfeited my chance to be a part of the public debate by letting my blog whither. And I don't know if I care. I feel completely defeated.
But it's Fat Tuesday. So ... laissez les bons temps rouler, cher.

Picture me slumped in a chair pouting because that's pretty much what I'm up to these days. I keep trying to write. Writing usually begins with some internal dialog that becomes more and more organized. My internal dialog is messy and annoying and never really comes together into anything useful.
And then Kevin Smith got kicked off of a Southwest flight because of his weight. I don't need to link do I? I mean the chattering masses are revved up. When I first heard about it my pout became a sort of smile/sneer. Famous guy gets all agro on Twitter. I wondered how long would it last and how stupid and mean would it get?
Kevin Smith wasn't really saying that the policy is discriminatory. He was mad because he doesn't believe he is too fat. His seat belt fastened and his armrests went down. He says he's fat but not THAT fat. So really... what does his outrage mean to me? Welcome to my world dude.
I posted a link about it on Facebook. I haven't been posting much on Facebook. Just hitting like now and then and playing games. Kristina posted the link and then I did and then another friend posted. Most of Kristina's posts turn into lively discussions. Only one one of her friends hit like. Wonder why? And then the comments on the other friend's post were all about being uncomfortable sitting nest to fat people and being turned off by Kevin. Nice. My friends were supportive and had their own stories, which was sweet and sad.
Kevin is already worn out. Imagine my surprise. He writes that the topic is beginning to taste " mediciney and fruitless." And really, that is exactly how it feels.
My seat belt does not fasten and my arm rest might go down but not without digging into me. I am always as careful as I can be now to touch the person next to me. I usually get off of planes aching with the tension of trying. Should I have a comfortable seat on an airplane?
It has been mildly interesting to hear the differences in the way it was covered. One guy did a whole thing about fuel costs. A spokes person from NAAFA on CNN spoke completely beside the point. Not a word about the idea that a fat person might have a right to comfort and safety.
So my pout turned smile/sneer is now a scowl. And yet, somehow, I think that might be a step in the right direction.