Orders

A few weeks ago, when all I had to think and write about was a pandemic, I wrote about some people I saw on Oak Street. There was a couple walking down the hill and a woman walking up the hill. The woman veered to the side trying to not be too close to the couple. I don't know if she was trying to be socially distant because of the pandemic or just trying to avoid bumping into strangers. The couple didn't move at all. None of them had on masks.
My first thought was - why don't you have on masks? It's what I do now. Sit in my window and think hateful things about people with no masks. My second thought was about how quickly you get too close to others in public. Which is why masks are good. My third thought was that the couple was just rude. They could have easily tucked slightly to one side.
When I was living in NYC I marveled at how it was possible to walk down crowded streets and not bump into anyone. In SF if there was one other person on the street you could not avoid them. I have no idea why that was true but it was true for me. It wasn't that people in NYC were more polite. They just seemed focused. Intent. And maybe hyper vigilant.
On the weekend I saw a video in which a cop knocked down an older man with a cane. There were two cops, neither of which made a move to help the guy but there were two more cops from the same unit who did. A friend posted that video cut at the point the cops knocked the guy down. She didn't cut it. She just re-posted it. As I was messaging with her I looked over at the TV and saw the same video cut the same way. I wanted the whole story to be told. I want the two cops who went straight to the guy to help him to be acknowledged.
Last night two cops shoved down an older man. There is video. He clearly hits his head when he falls and there is blood. One cops moved toward him to help and another cop grabs him and doesn't let him help. That second cop had a gold badge, which distinguished him as being in leadership.
Leadership.
Even more shocking was the crowd of cops who walked past and barley glanced over at the man. The two cops who shoved him down were suspended and today 57 cops resigned from the unit in support of the two because - they were just following orders. I think they should all be suspended for walking past the guy. They have become a hive. They've lost track of a basic human reaction when you see an older person laying on the ground bleeding. Nothing explains that. If those are your orders you need to quit your job.
Last week (or was it the week before) a journalist was arrested and asked why. The cop arresting him said - I don't know man, I'm just following orders.
Ezra Klein talked with Ta-Nehisi Coates today. I've been wanting to hear from Ta-Nehisi. They talked about MLK. Ezra asked -What would it mean to build the state around principles of nonviolence?
I saw a picture of National Guard who had laid down their shields in Tennessee. 
I saw a crowd of people shouting - peaceful - over and over at a very tall man who was shouting, swearing and threatening them all. Including a priest.
I see protesters laying down on bridges and streets for hours.
Ezra- What would it mean for the powerful to practice that philosophy? 

What I Saw

Sunday I ate my fruit and yogurt. Did my yoga. Made my coffee, which I enjoyed with a cardamon roll. Checked in on Facebook and Twitter. Tried to read. Could not concentrate. Checked in again. I try not to watch the news on the weekends but I had to turn it on. I spent the rest of the day immersed. Watching, listening, reading.
I saw police officers pulling down the mask of a young man and shooting him with pepper spray.
I saw police officers taking a knee.
I saw police officers arresting media.
I saw police officers walking with the protesters.
I saw police officers kicking, shoving and punching. 
I saw police officers hugging.
I saw police officers shoot rubber bullets at people standing on their porch.
I saw police officers shove down an old man with a cane.
I saw police officers from the same unit help that old man up.
I saw police making things much worse.
There are good cops and bad cops. That is true.  I'm not trying to imply there is any kind of balance. The problem is in the system. Black people. All people. Cannot rely on whether or not a person is good or bad. We have to have systems of accountability.
I saw protesters.
I saw looters.
Two separate groups. 
I saw how the police were so well protected. Bullet proof vests, helmets with face shields, shields, batons, tear gas, mace, tasers, guns. Ready for battle.
I saw pictures of nurses and doctors with limited personal protective equipment in another kind of battle.
I saw white people standing between black people and the police.
I saw black men stand between the crowd and a police officer who had been separated from other officers.
I saw two white girls, dressed in black with black masks (and what looked like a white leather back pack) spraying graffiti. I saw a young black woman begging them to stop. Telling them they would not be blamed - black people would be.
I saw them ignore her. 
I saw people telling black people how to feel and act and express themselves.
I saw people telling white people how to feel and act and express themselves.
I saw a group of mostly young people walking down my Oak Street carrying signs.
I have all the feelings. And I'm worried about the seemingly inevitable Covid surge.
The media only seems to be able to do one thing at a time and they are (rightly) focused on the protests. Not much talk about the other crisis we are living in. Not much talk about unemployment.
People don't like complexity. People like simplicity. I like simplicity. But things aren't always simple. and we are shattering.
I don't have advice.
I don't have perspective.
All of the things I saw and heard and read are spinning in me. I'm writing to process it all. I'm writing because I need to write.
Today started out much the same in my bubble. Cereal. Yoga. Coffee. English muffin.
I was able to read a little bit but the news is back on.
Because I need it to be.