To Much and Nothing

 There are so many things in my head - you would think I'd be writing all day. The last two TikToks I did were about me not having anything to say. Probably never going to get a blue check. (Inside TikTok joke. Ignore it.) But sometimes silly TikToks create a playful back and forth. Harder to do that in a blog. Not impossible just harder. 

I remember the early days of blogging. Manically checking for comments. 

Something similar happens on TikTok. I guess that's why they call it social media. 

Heh.

I think the mass of things in my head is the problem. Too much to sort. 

And I continue to write these little posts. Hoping my writer muscle will build. 

Sigh. 

 

Stomach Ache

 I'm sure I mentioned that last year I had an endoscopy because I was sick all the time. It turned out my stomach lining was raw. The doctors said it was too much Advil. Probably true because I was taking a lot for joint pain. I was also taking handfuls of vitamins and maybe they didn't go together. In any case I stopped drinking coffee and eating acidic foods. I stopped eating much of anything. 

I did feel better. Lately I've been having one cup of coffee a week. Sometimes two. I had an incredibly delicious passion fruit cupcake the other day. Left over pulled pork. And I feel pretty bad today.

It seems like I can eat things sometimes and not others. Which is how things started last year. Time to narrow things down, I suppose. It just always feels like a struggle to know what to do. 

My appetite comes and goes so the struggle isn't about denying myself things that I want. It's more about not being sure what's going to work. Things like eggs can be fine and then one day hurt. 

Getting old.

Such a drag. 

Music

 I don't listen to music. 

It's the saddest thing. 

For most of my childhood, teenage years and early adulthood music was my solace. I had my own band for a few years. I turned on music the minute I walked in the door. I'm not sure when I stopped. 

TikTok has introduced me to some new music. Recently I learned about First Aid Kit and was reminded about Antony. But I still don't naturally turn it on. 

I was remembering a song Bonnie Raitt recorded. I think the title was Blowin Away. I sang that song over and over. There is one line ... love is blind - it cannot find me. It's the kind of song that you can really wail. And I did. 

I feel like I might have put too much energy into that line. 

I have a lot of love in my life. But no ... partner.

The concussion might be part of why I don't listen. I seem to have trouble listening to anything. Two doctors told me this was part of the concussion and would go away. It's taking too long. 

Coaxing

 I just did a really small amount of yoga. I used to do a full half an hour practice every single morning. The frozen shoulder makes it hard. Stretching is good for the shoulder. It's just painful and gets more painful as I move. I feel like I'm always trying to decide what is a good thing and what might cause damage. I discovered that warrior pose is not too painful and it's one of my favorite poses. I do certain things, like neck rolls, all day and try to stretch the shoulder. 

All of this was sitting in a chair because of my knees. 

A simple move, like a forward bend, causes pain. 

I miss the ritual. 

Pushing through a generalized lethargy to do things that will cause pain is just a drag. It doesn't feel like ritual anymore. It feels like struggle. I am going to keep trying to do it.

Coaxing back all the things.   

DIstracted

 Open Blogger. 

Stare at the TV screen. 

Check TikTok.

I'm hungry. Maybe I should eat. 

Still waiting for that urge to write. It used to hit me like a wave. 

I just finished reading Maus. I'd read it years ago. Or maybe I just read parts. I didn't have my own copy so I would have either borrowed it or read it serialized somewhere. It is wonderful and devastating. I had to take breaks. Reading it with images of a destroyed Ukraine on the news and Victory Day marchers in Russia was challenging. 

It was also rough thinking about the Supreme Court taking away a right that has been in place for most of my life. Imaging the horror of trans-kids wondering if they will be taken away from their parents. Totalitarianism is sneaky until it gets enough power. 

Watch a commercial about lactose free milk. 

Check TikTok. 

I'm hungry.   

Life Goes On

 There's something going on in my life that I'm not comfortable talking about on social media. It involves someone who is very private. I don't think I can tell their story. 

I do think I can talk about how I feel.

I am broken. 

Really. I am shaken to my core and shattered. 

And life goes on. 

It's such a difficult truth. Life goes on. People die. People leave. Ways of life are destroyed. But life itself goes on. Dragging you along with it. And the hurts become part of the fabric of who you are. They make you stronger and they make you vulnerable in new ways. 

Because I'm older, things seem to hit harder and deeper. As I try to imagine my future with new liabilities. Fewer people to count on. 

In some ways, because of the blog, I've lived out loud. I think being open is valuable. But in the places where my life intersects with other people, I feel a need to keep the details to myself. When I was working at EA I stopped blogging. I had signed an NDA. I was meeting a lot of new people. I was a fish out of water in so many ways. I lost my voice. 

Right now, I just want to scream - THIS HURTS! 

And. 

There really isn't anything that can be done. 

Life will go on.   

Excuses

 I didn't post yesterday. It was a combination of timing and bad communication and me not really grasping what was happening. There was a point when I remembered the blog, but I was completely drained. Ironically, I had just written about the importance of a schedule in my life and then suddenly there was no schedule, and I didn't know why. 

No need to explain the details. 

Today's schedule was off as well. But for good reason. 

Maybe it's the weekend.