Schedule

 Having a schedule is really important for me. During the first year of Covid I established one, even though most of it was reading time. My schedule now organizes around stomach aches, medication and sleep. And reading, of course. 

I don't take that many meds but I got in the habit of taking one really early and then going back to sleep. The next one gives me a stomach ache (if I don't have one already) so I often either go back to sleep or just close my eyes until it settles down. It all takes a lot of time. 

Then it's important to eat (stomach ache and blood sugar). I usually do the TikTok, which means I'm also on TikTok watching videos. Check in on other social media. Watch a little news. And ... the morning is over. 

I used to get a shower in the morning but it's getting later and later. Some mornings get caught up in other things and the whole day shifts. 

I think it has an impact on my writing. Like yesterday when all I did was make a list of things. I'm just determined write something every day. 

I resent how much I sleep. Two doctors said it might be because of the concussion and would get better. The headaches are (mostly) gone but the sleeping is ridiculous. I'm trying to figure out what I need to accept. Maybe this is just age and recovery. It makes no sense to try and force myself to wake up. It makes less sense to struggle to keep to an arbitrary schedule and feel bad about it when I fail. 

Buzz

 It's late enough in the day that I thought I might not post. 

Today is a day to honor and remember the MMIW (missing and murdered indigenous women). I'm wearing red. 

I found an organization Aid Access (aidaccess.org). They help women with all kinds of abortion issues, and they will mail the abortion pill. 

Mandy found The Northwest Abortion Access Fund. They help women in Oregon, Washington, Alaska and Idaho connect with clinics and have the finds they need. 

Just a mind a buzz.   

Kent State

 May forth is the anniversary of the Kent State massacre. Four students were murdered on campus by the National Guard. One of them, Allison Krause, had just graduated from the high school I was attending. I hadn't known her but many of the kids had, and it was a very emotional day. 

I came of age in that environment. I believed in the revolution. I believed that some systems needed to be destroyed, 

My throat is still tight. And I have tears in my eyes that won't come out. 

I'm looking for signs of hope. 

Currently, there are maps showing how far a woman will have to travel to get an abortion if Roe falls. There is a group of pilots who are offering their planes and their time to take women who need an abortion and people who need gender conforming services to places where they can get those services.

So. 

There ya go. 

 

My Throat is Tight

 My TikTok today was a song about revolution and me staring into the camera. I'm done in. I listened to pundits talking half the night and most of the morning. I thought I had a lot to say but when the time came it all sounded hollow. I'm going to try and find some here. 

Row v Wade was written with the right to privacy in the center. If it's overturned that right is made fragile. There's a list of things that may come next. 

A woman's right to bodily autonomy is fundamental. 

My eyes are filled with tears that will not fall.

Rhythm

 This is funny. For years blogging was a habit. I grabbed breakfast, headed to the desk, read some blogs and wrote mine. TikTok is my first focus now. Watching and doing my own. It takes time. 

This morning after doing the TikTok thing I was thinking about taking a shower and suddenly I remembered the blog. 

I still spend more time thinking about the TikTok than I do the blog. Writing is such a different feel. I want to do more of it. I'm just having trouble making it a habit. I open the laptop and feel blank. I will keep writing boring aimless posts until something kicks in. 

Reading usually helps. Especially if I'm reading something with a strong rhythm. I'm reading House Made of Dawn by N. Scott Momaday. The writing is lush, descriptive but not exactly rhythmic. So, it's not kicking anything into gear for me. 

I suppose there is a possibility that I'll never get my rhythm back. I'm just not willing to accept that. 

Yet.  

Zoned.

 I sept badly and don't feel well. Not sick. Just the usual. 

It's May Day. 

International Worker's Day. 

We don't really learn labor history in this country, which is why people don't trust unions or socialism. When the right talks about socialism I grimace. We aren't even close to that. 

I don't think the education system is going to get much better, but I do have hope in the youth. There are groups of young people organizing book groups to read banned books. And there are local libraries working with them. 

I'm zoned out.