Not That It Matters

I just stopped following Roxane Gay on Facebook and Twitter. I doubt she'll notice. And ... it really doesn't matter.
I haven't really enjoyed her much on either format. She mostly does a lot of self promotion, which is exactly what she should be doing I suppose. I was reading an interview she linked when they mentioned she'd had weight loss surgery. There was a link to something she'd written about it. I was furious.
I don't really know why. I've been reserved (or something) about her since I discovered her. I wrote about it. Everything I felt then I feel now. Except then she hadn't had the surgery. She wrote that she knew it was dangerous and it didn't work. And then some asshat yelled something hateful to her in the parking lot of a grocery store and she crumbled.
I get it. Been there. She does get a ridiculous amount of fat hatred aimed at her in really stupid ways on Twitter. Not that there are smart ways. And she gets it in life. I am sympathetic. Or maybe I'm empathetic. I don't really have sympathy about the hate people get for being fat. I have rage. I am empathetic because I share the experience. But she knew the surgery was not going to change anything.
I lost a bunch of weight once. I wasn't trying so it was a shock and also kinda fun. I fit into some old pants and was wearing them one day. Happily walking down the street. Just digging my pants. Some guy yelled something nasty out of a passing car. I remember feeling like it was so unfair. I had lost weight and yet ... it was not enough. I was still a target.
It is a shock when someone says a hateful thing to you. I think it's also a shock when woman who are seen as beautiful walk down the street and get hooted at. Why does anyone feel like they can express their opinion to us, loudly, in public? Step the bleep off.
The column she wrote (I'm not linking it. Use your Google machine if you want to read it.) makes her choice to do the surgery tortured and her post surgery life not much fun. The column does not sell the surgery. She says she does not want praise when she loses weight. But she will get praise. Her writing will be published. Her opinion will be sought out. She will profit.
I seriously and adamantly support people's right to do what ever they need to do to feel good in their bodies. I wish her well. I hope she gets some relief from the struggle she has lived with since she gained weight.
What.
Ever.
I made a choice. A very clear choice when I was still in my teens. I was fat. I was not going to try and lose weight. I was going separate my thoughts and feelings about food from the idea of losing weight. I was going to move my body in ways that made me happy and not because I might lose weight. I was going to ask my doctors to think about my health in the context of my size. I was going to pursue my dreams as if being fat would not make them impossible. It was a political choice. I was choosing to reject all of the nonsense about my fat body.  It was a choice to revolt. It was part of the sixties,  feminist revolution. And ... oh my. It has been a journey.
I don't even feel like most of my friends get it although some of them try. The size acceptance community was disappointing. I feel alone in this battle although I know there are other people fighting the same battle.
It is just not right for an entire body type to be so completely dismissed as a pathology. It is unjust because it impacts EVERY THING. Housing. Jobs. Health care. Relationships. Access. It is a battle. Roxane knows that. She articulates her outrage brilliantly. She is fierce. And in some ways she can be as fierce as is because she doesn't accept her size. She can have the critique of fat hatred and still be a public voice because she is still ashamed.
I don't really know why I'm so angry. I don't know if I'm angry at her or the culture that tortured her to the point where she did what she did. 
I own all but one of her books. I've read them and enjoyed the writing. I haven't checked out her new project. If I see her on TV or hear her on the radio I'll listen. She's brilliant. But I'm not going to put myself on a trajectory to hear or see her. She made a choice that impacts me. She has a right to that choice. I do hope she gets where she wants to go. And I'm not interested in falling on that landmine again. It's hard enough to keep the faith.
And. It doesn't really matter.
It doesn't matter because life is going to go on.
The battle continues.