Unwell

I just reread the last post. This one is going to be similar.
I haven't been well. A few months ago I started having dizzy spells during exercise. Not when I was exercising but if I went from standing to lying down or sitting up from lying down. The doctor thought I might not be drinking enough water but I drink a lot of water. It just got worse. Then she discovered a blockage in my ear. She tried to flush it out but no luck. I put mineral oil in it for a few day and it cleared up. The dizziness was almost completely gone and the nausea happened less often.
And then.
I got sick.
Some kind of really bad cold or flu. Sore throat, runny nose, achy muscles. All the usual but really bad. I did have a flu shot. I even had the senior flu shot, which is supposed to be really bad ass. and it got worse. I got Conjunctivitis. So gross. For a few days all I could do was lie down with a wet rag on my eyes. No reading. I was too sick to listen to pod casts. I listened to Rachel a few times. Such is my devotion.
All of that has cleared up for the most part although I'm still more congested than I think I should be. And my ear feels plugged up. The doctor saw no signs of fluid but it feels like it's in there. I can barely hear out of it. She put me on antibiotics, which I think may have cleared some of the general congestion but did nothing obvious for my ear. I have another appointment next week. The dizziness and nausea are back. 
It's just been a weird year. It started off with me doing the poem thing in April and then the little story project. And then doing lots of work on the book. When I stopped being able to swim I got really depressed and I haven't completely shaken it. I am back in the pool. Which is good.
I was thinking that the idea of these moments of demarcation, birthdays, anniversaries, first of the year are used to affirm our hope and intention toward some kind amelioration in life. But I'm not sure how to make all of this better.
I mean, I am better.
But still unwell.
I'm in that age zone. All my doctors start sentences with - as we get older. Stuff just wears out. By stuff I mean eyes, ears, internal organs, skin, knees. Ailments. I have ailments. Some of which I may be able to fix but some of which I may not. That may sound dour but it feels like acceptance. The last time I felt this was when I realized I wasn't going to have my own child. I was over fifty. I'd held onto hope. It was a moment of having to accept that my life had entered a stage. A stage in which there were limits.
It's probably good to deeply consider exactly what you have to accept and what you might be able to change. But my body is only ever going to get so much better.
Except for the days I was under the wet rag I continued to exercise. I didn't go to the pool but I did my little home routine. The dizziness wasn't bad but the nausea was terrible. Still is.
Thanksgiving was the second year anniversary of the mommie's death. I might have done a little memorial on Facebook but it seemed like the wrong day for it. It was not a good day. I'm probably not going to celebrate Thanksgiving anymore. Christmas is hard in some ways but easier. I had a very nice Christmas this year. In the beginning of last year I felt like I was in a good place with my grief. I was still sad but I could concentrate on things and had a bit more energy. This year is hard to parse what I am feeling and why. 
Mandy made really good bread. I made a dinner out of it last night with cheese and apple and olives and a split of Prosecco. I had a nice New Year's eve. Quiet and sweet. Today I've been doing laundry and watering plants. Did my little exercise thing. I've been taking down Christmas stuff. I feel like being quiet.
But I also wrote this. And a little bit in the paper blog.
So.
That's the story.