Last of the year.

My birthday is in June. In my early adult life I'd do a critical assessment of my self every six months. It was exhausting. I'm not even sure when I stopped but I did stop. Happily.
I don't make resolutions. Resolutions seem like a way to feel bad about yourself. I am always thinking about ways to feel better. Ageing makes a new to do list as fast as you can scratch things off.
I want to write more.
I always want to write more.
I want to draw. It feels really hard to integrate it into my day. Why? I don't know
I've been trying to meditate. It feels like I should mediate in the beginning of the day but that never works. So I've been trying to meditate at night before I sleep. I've done four (maybe five) days so far. It's not good meditation. It's me laughing a lot at how hard it is to quiet my brain and my body. Ten minutes is as much as I've been able to do so far. For the moment I'm just happy I'm doing it at all.
I'm content with how much I exercise. I do yoga every day and bike pedals every day. I swim, four days a week. I think my yoga could be more focused. I was doing some hand weights and I bagged on them. It's just so boring. I feel like I need to keep my arms strong so I'm going to try and get that back.
I have some digestive issues that I need to try and accommodate. I am really not sure how I'm going to do that because it's not clear on what the problem is. My biggest food problem is being desperately hungry after I swim. It's not always true but it often is and always has been. If I'm not careful at that time my appetite gets all messed up. If I eat carbs or sugar with no protein I can't stop eating. Even if I eat protein it has to be the right kind. I have no idea what I mean by that. I'm going to experiment with Splendid Spoon. I think you're supposed to drink a smoothie for breakfast and one of the grain and veggie bowls for lunch. I really like my breakfast. I'm going to keep it the way I want it. I'll either drink the smoothie or eat the grain bowl (or both) for lunch. I'm not that into dinner. I often eat and apple and call it a day. They send five days worth. I usually cook for Jane on Saturday and eat lunch with Mandy on Monday. So that's the week. If I can manage the after swim food panic I think things will be fine. I'm not sure though. We'll see. I just don't always want to cook. And I mean when I'm having a food panic I DO NOT WANT to cook at all. I try to make things ahead of time but I'm also really fussy and can't figure out what I want to eat. Aging pancreas. Wacky blood sugar. And so on.
I'm going to drink tea instead of coffee. At some point this year I stopped wanting coffee. I only drink it on non swim days, I have more time to relax and sip. That part won't really change. I'll drink Numi gunpowder green tea. My favorite. If I really want coffee, I'll drink coffee. 
I'm not sure how I feel about the last year. There are so many moving parts. Today I feel pretty good. I'm already in my pajamas. My new pajamas. They are black and soft and I like them so much. I have snacks planned for the rest of the day and some Prosecco. I have roses. They're a week old and kind of fading but I can't toss them yet.
The nest is clean.
I have new books.

"The band is playing Auld Lang Syne
The heart will not retreat."
                                       Leonard Cohen