Today would have been the mommie's 96th birthday. Tomorrow was her husband's birthday. I don't remember how old he was. They had a joke about her being a day older than him. In fact, he was a year older than she was. As if any of that mattered. My psychological soup is stirred up.
I've been remembering a time when I danced with my dad. My bio dad. I was so uncomfortable in his arms. He wasn't the molester in my life. He was absence. I may as well have been dancing with a total stranger. I might have been more comfortable in the arms of a stranger. I've aways known his absence and K's invasion created a physical tension that may never go away. Although it doesn't bother me as much.
I get tired of the same old soup. But I have been getting deeper insights lately. Which is as calming as I imagined it would be.
I no longer need to find a card with a frog on it for her and a card with no emotion for him. Maybe I never did.
2 comments:
Family is so complicated. I'm just getting to know my father now. My mother was always, always his crutch, shield, whatever. Funny you mention that dance. When I got married the first time, we had a big wedding with a live band. I danced with my father who had never been affectionate and who was pretty much a stranger. He was just as uncomfortable as I was. I could tell, you know? He was NOT a dancer. I made an excuse that I needed to go to the ladies' room to spare us both the low-key horror of that dance and cut it short.
I've never told that story before.
Lisa! I love seeing you here! Thank you! When babies are born skin t skin id encouraged for bonding. I was thinking about that when I wrote this.
Thank you for sharing the story about you and your dad.
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