Sliding

 Did I mention the frozen shoulder?

Awhile back I woke up with pain in my left shoulder. I thought I'd slept on it funny but it didn't go away. My doctor thought it might be frozen shoulder. I've been managing it with heat and ice. Some cannabis balm and stretching. I have days with almost no pain and fairly good range of motion. I have days where any random move causes excruciating pain. 

Honestly, this last year was filled with health problems. One thing seemed to lead to another. And, of course, I'm old. This writing is part of me trying to slow the fall. I know that physical limits are part of aging but I also know my feeling about life is part of it. Writing, even slow, spaced out writing, gives me ... life.

I am given to collapsing inward.  I aways have been. I spent a lot of time alone as a kid. It became a habit. It's also a trauma response. I tend to mask when I'm with other people. Even people I know. Even people who love me. I've always known this but it's only been recently that I understood it as a trauma response. Previously I understood it as my personally. 

I spend most of my time alone with a book in my hands. And I like that. I can also feel myself dropping a mask or two when I am with people. 

The link between physical issues and the process of understanding why we are who we are parallel tracks. We have all been through a time of stress that isn't really letting up.  Ailments (inner or outer) seem obvious. 

But. 

Jeez.

I'm just trying to plant my feet.

Hey. Look. It's still morning.