Communal

 It's Earth Day. I'm thinking about the Whole Earth Catalogue. I used to go through it again and again imagining the commune I would live in with my friends. I sort of did eventually. Briefly. I feel like I might not be designed for communal living. 

In my job history I tried to be the hardest worker. In some ways there's nothing wrong with that but I was so invested in proving my worth. I was in the bathroom once with the baker and another cook. We were all washing our hands. When we were finished, I used my paper towel to wipe off the counter. The baker asked me why I was doing it. She said it wasn't my job and it was someone else's. She was right. And the person whose job it was would not be there till much later. It took me less than a minute to do it. So why not? I've never really known how to think about that moment. Because two things were true. The reflex to do something that wasn't my job was strong. Why? Why did I feel like I had to give more just to part of ... anything?

Why do I feel like I have to recover from time with other people? Why do I exert so much emotional energy in my relationships? I have friends who help me all the time. Why do I worry that they will resent the help they give me and leave me? Why am I frustrated when I can't get the help I need?

I actually have the answers to these questions after years of shadow work. 

And I'm too broken to do much anymore. 

I have answers and I still have questions.