What to do? What to do? There are so many things I feel I would do if I didn't need to be aware of her and now I have this time and ... what to do?
Mom doesn't require a lot of care but she does like being cared for and this year I notice more and more that she just wants me to help her. I have my own experience of wanting and needing help so I get it. I do what I can. Try not to be impatient or frustrated. Try to be kind. Try. Fail. Try harder.
I've lived alone for most of my adult life. Sharing space for any length of time always stretches me. With mom there are layers. There's the problems of our relationship. The problems of her aging process. The problems of my aging problems. The problems of ... you know...life. It's a lot to parse.
There's always something to cook, or something to clean. There's football on the TV. The volume is always on high.
So she's asleep. What to do?
At night when I'm trying to get to sleep I start thinking about blog posts I could write. Can't remember any of them now. I could read. I could watch one of the shows she won't watch. I can't really turn off the TV because she'll wake up if I do. I could take my own nap.
There's a line in a Joni song. There's always a line in a Joni song. "Now I am returning to myself the things you and I suppress." I imagine it's about a romantic relationship but it's something I feel after these long times with Mom. I put the jewelry back in my nose and call back all the parts of myself that I have not needed around her.
I feel like I'm changing. In ways I can't quite articulate. I have felt that way for most of the year. It's probably in part about living in a new town. The changes of habit. Something is shifting. Good. Bad. Both. Neither.
I never had my own children but I spent lots of time with other people's kids. I remember that feeling when they fall asleep and you know you are free but you're also exhausted. You do something mindless or silly just because you need to not be ... on.
Now I'm starting to worry because she's slept a lot today. Is she sick? Is she slipping away?
What to do?
It's almost time to start the soup.