Unwell

 I didn't post yesterday. I didn't feel well all morning and into the afternoon. By the time I started feeling better, I was emotionally drained. Today is better. Sort of. My back was trying to spasm all morning. And my digestive system was cranky. I usually feel better in the afternoon although sometimes I relapse around three. Why? I have no idea. 

I would like to sleep through it all, but my brain will not stop the chatter. 

I spent about a minute trying to push myself to post yesterday. All of this posting is me trying to spark my writing muscle. I don't feel like pushing myself or shaming myself is useful. Feeling this bad is draining. 

Wednesday

 Wednesday morning. Mandy and Ramona and breakfast. 

I like things like this. 

Rituals. 

Ramona begs for bacon with her eyes. She is my Wednesday dog. 

There's a new food truck in town. A young woman who is making food from different parts of Italy. It's extremely good! I am eating stewed vegetables and catching up on news. 

Probably need a nap.  

Two Shows

 The other night I watched the Ava DuVernay Netflix series about Colin Kaepernick. I watched it accidently. I thought it was a story about a Black teen being raised by White parents. It was. I just didn't know it was Kaepernick. It's really good. 

It showed his struggle to be recognized as a quarter back and the influence of race. He gets braids and his coach makes him cut them off. His mother had been supportive enough to find him a professional to do the braids, but when the coach said to cut them off, she said he looked like a thug. The show steps back from those moments to talk about things like using the word thug and what his hair meant to him. It's clear that his parents love him but have no idea how to raise a Black child. 

Last night I watched American Son with Kerry Washington. It's about the mother of a biracial son who hasn't come home, and she is worried. She's in a police station trying to get information. The racism and sexism with which she is treated creates so much tension. And then her White husband (also an FBI agent) arrives and the information flows. Even he gets caught up in the maelstrom created by race. The ending is shattering. 

I'm not sure how Black people tolerate White people.  

Slowness

 I am slow. Brain and body. That is a general truth that's a little bit truer today. There's no obvious reason. 

When I was in New York, I worked with a restaurant manager. I didn't think much of her, but I didn't need to. She wasn't really overseeing the kitchen. One day we had a conversation at the bar. I don't remember what started it or exactly what it was about. It might have been that she was newly pregnant. She told me that she realized that white people weren't having babies and she felt like it was her duty to make white babies. 

I remember I sort of walked away, dazed. As it sank in, I got angry. She was leaving so I didn't see her again and wrote it off as her stupidity. That was around three decades ago. The replacement theory has been around for at least that long. Longer. 

White people talking about being native in this country is infuriating. 

I listen with my slow brain and feel rage. 

Chatter

 When I first started blogging, I said something about everything. I had the news on all the time. I read other blogs. I felt like there was a big conversation happening and I wanted to be in on it. These days I worry about being part of the noise. I'm not a newscaster. I'm not a pundant. I don't always need to say something, 

And I'm having a stupid day. I'm not actually stupid I just feel stupid. Everything in my head feels slow and badly framed. But not silent. The chatter volume is high. 

I've had the experience that talking, or writing can help me to pull my thoughts together. 

Not today.