Family Soup

Today would have been the mommie's 96th birthday. Tomorrow was her husband's birthday. I don't remember how old he was. They had a joke about her being a day older than him. In fact, he was a year older than she was. As if any of that mattered. My psychological soup is stirred up. 

I've been remembering a time when I danced with my dad. My bio dad. I was so uncomfortable in his arms. He wasn't the molester in my life. He was absence. I may as well have been dancing with a total stranger. I might have been more comfortable in the arms of a stranger. I've aways known his absence and K's invasion created a physical tension that may never go away. Although it doesn't bother me as much. 

I get tired of the same old soup. But I have been getting deeper insights lately. Which is as calming as I imagined it would be. 

I no longer need to find a card with a frog on it for her and a card with no emotion for him. Maybe I never did. 

Typing

It feels really good to type with both hands. I've been pecking at my phone for too long. I couldn't wait to open the laptop this morning. Right now I have the TV on and a TikTok playing on my phone. Probably need to settle down. I used to think about what I was going to post. Now I think about my TikTok of the day. 

Doing a TikTok is similar to writing in the sense that you have an amount of time and if what you're saying doesn't fit you need to edit. I redo posts multiple times. But writing is more sentient for me.

I do feel like it will take awhile before doing my blog has any rythm or depth. Writing always happens in my head before I get to a screen. Even in email. The blog will become part of my inner chatter. 

For today I was just happy to be doing it. I opened the laptop and realized I didn't know what to write. HA! 

Chag Sameach.

Happy Good Friday,

Ramadan Mubarak. 

I'm back.

 A year ago, I wrote a post about my knees not being comfortable at my desk. I do most things on my phone, or iPad. Not conducive for writing. So....I bought a laptop! I can sit in a more comfortable chair and tap away. We'll see if it makes the difference I think it will. Since I fell last year my life has lost form. I can't get to the pool. I do very limited yoga. I sleep too much but not well. For awhile my doctor thought it was just left over concussion issues and things would clear up but I'm starting to think I need to push. And I feel like I can make writing be a way to focus. We'll see.

TicTok has become the thing that gives me a daily outlet I really enjoy it there. I've been on it for a year. 

Writing is a muscle and all my muscles are weak. But I'm going to keep trying.