I've been having a hard time reading essays and I don't know why. I love essays. They are my favorite form. Blog posts are (essentially) essays. These days I seem to need the comfort of fiction. I need to sink into a story. Having a hard time reading essays makes me sad and frustrated. It makes me feel stupid. It's like my brain is throwing a temper tantrum and I have no control.
Into this maelstrom came the new Joan Didion: Let Me Tell You What I Mean, which I had preordered. I love Joan Didion. I love her. I guess to be precise I should say I love her writing but her writing is so ... her. I love her. I opened the book last night fearing that I wouldn't be able to take it in. I wouldn't have thought less of her I would have hated myself if that had been true. I know this all sounds disproportionate and maybe a bit unhinged. Fortunately I don't have to hate either one of us. I love the book. I am already more than half way through. It's like I'm swallowing each essay in a big gulp.
I grew up mostly around adults. My grandparents, an uncle and an aunt took care of me in the day while the mommie was at work. In the summer I was with my paternal grandmother and two aunts. None of these people were big on baby talk. I was told I had trouble with kids my age because I had an adult tone when I spoke. I really don't know what that meant. When I was in college ( I was in my mid-forties) I spent a lot of time with two younger women who regularly commented on my "big words". I did not then and do not now know which words they were talking about but ... we were in college where I hoped my word usage wouldn't be a source of ridicule. Worse was in my MFA program when a fellow's critique of a piece I had written began with - what's with all the SAT words? The teacher and my fellow students spoke up quickly and smacked him down. He was kind of a punk who I didn't take too seriously but I later learned that another woman also felt I shouldn't use words that people might not know. "It took you out of the reading."
I mean...
For many years I read in bed before sleep. It was the only time I had. If I came upon a word I didn't know I had to get out of bed, go into the living room and take down the rather large dictionary. Occasionally there were writers who used so many words I didn't know I slept with the dang dictionary. I remember learning the word meliorative from Didion. She was writing that she had lost any sense of it. That word stayed with me.
These days I reach for my phone to look up a word. So easy.
Recently I learned the word floccillation in something I read about someone's ageing parent. I'm ashamed to say I don't remember who. It describes the action of picking at ones sheets and blankets when you have a fever or extreme dementia. The mommie did it at one point. She would tug and pull at the blanket and sheet until it was bunched up and had to be straightened. I may never use the word but I'm glad to know it. In fact, given my decline in ability to remember anything I'm not sure I will remember it if I do have cause to use it. I kept the page open on my phone for quite awhile hoping that seeing it would burn into my memory. It only sort of worked. I had to look though my phone's history to find it just now.
I have never used a word to - I dunno -show off per se. I grab onto words and keep them in my mouth. I love words and I don't understand people who don't love them. If a word takes you out of the story it's a moment for revelation. Which should be fun and joyous, right? Clearly not given the amount of scorn I've received over my life for my word usage.
The memory problem is big. When I get my eye shot they do a mini eye exam. I was telling them I felt like my vision in my left eye might be getting worse and I needed to get to my orthopedist. I said it twice before I was corrected and the minute I was corrected I was horrified. Not by the correction but by my inability to remember optometrist. Last night I was having a conversation with a friend and couldn't remember the word impeach. I've learned two new words from Didion but I can't remember them. I'm not too worried because I think I'll reread this book as soon as I finish it.
There are words that I hear or read and I know I will never use them in a sentence. I just won't have the need or I won't remember or I don't completely grasp the meaning. I always feel sad about it.
Maybe the Bee Gee's said it best. - It's only words and words are all I have to take your heart away.
Heh.