Saturday, December 14, 2002

Did I say something about being Wonder Woman? Two minutes after I wrote that I was in bed shifting about trying to find a way to be that didn’t hurt. My hip and lower back were telling me things about my own age and fitness level. Not nice things.
It does seem like I should be able to go into the office and get on the computer. And sometimes when I’m sitting at the table with M &K and Hogan’s Heros is on in the background, I think …maybe now I can go. But then Ken decides to move to his chair, or go to the back room and Mom wants to write and e-mail but I have to open the program for her, or the phone rings, or another home health care person comes….it just keeps happening. Or I’m just too fucking tired to get up.
M & K have two lazy boy rockers in the living room. But Ken can’t sit in his because it’s too low. So, he sits in a platform rocker. I sit in his lazy boy. The television is on at a volume that rattles the windows. M & K read newspapers and I have my book. Reading with the volume of the TV that loud is problematic and then Mom will say something to me, or Ken will need something. I read the same paragraph over and over trying to concentrate.
It’s early in the morning while I write this. M & K are sleeping late this morning. I’m glad because I’m worried that Mom isn’t getting enough sleep. She wakes up with Ken a few times every night.
I cut up a pineapple and made a fruit salad with cantaloupe and kiwi. I’ve got oatmeal simmering. I’m hoping I’ll be able to get on line after breakfast.
Right now I’m listening to CSPAN and it’s almost like being at home.
There’s a creek behind the house and it was pretty high yesterday because it was raining. Today is sunny. M & K have bird feeders all over the yard. I watch the birds and the squirrels, some of which are white, and try to feel the calm before the storm.

Thursday, December 12, 2002

It’s almost 1:00 in the morning. I know I’ll regret this in the morning. But I couldn’t sleep and I just wanted to read some blogs. Mom & Ken are in bed. It doesn’t matter if I tie up the phone line.

It was worth it to read Cynthia’s comment. Thanks for that. All day I’ve been thinking about what Dru said about children and being interrupted. This is a lot like having kids. I really have been noticing the ways in which watching Mom & Ken in this time is full of the same kinds of emotions that watching kids grow up engender. I was lucky to have my Goddaughter. I have so many memories of her childhood. Now she’s in college. She’s is and always has been the smartest, sweetest, kindest, most beautiful, most talented, best, best, best.

I’m in the middle. Neither young nor old, really.

Ken is defiantly better. There is still a gap between what he thinks he can do and what he really can do. And, being who he is, he wants to do stuff.

Today he saw that there was a screw loose on his rocking chair and we had to fix it right away. He’s always been like that. He wants to take care of the problem right then and there. I convinced him to sit down in another chair while I flipped the rocker over and tightened the screw.

I flipped the rocker over and tightened the screw. Just call me Wonder Woman. Or crazy chick who thinks she’s stronger than she is.

Then he wanted me to see a video put out by the folks who make the squirrel proof bird feeder that he has out back. It’s a video that shows some birds using the feeder and then a section of banjo music with the squirrel spinning around. It does this in a tape loop. The first time it was mildly funny. By the third time I was feeling like I might be in hell. But then a squirrel jumped up on the window sill, and then got on the roof. And just as we turned off the tape the squirrel jumped down on the feeder and spun around. It was really funny. It was like he was saying, “Why are you watching that video? Let me show you how it’s done.

April wrote a beautiful piece.

My lap top battery is fading and so am I. I owe many e-mails. Sigh. I need time.

Wednesday, December 11, 2002

I really miss blogging.
The day goes by.

I managed to get on line a few times. I read some blogs, wrote some e-mail.

I can’t sleep until Mom & Ken go to bed. I lay in bed listening until I’m sure they’re down. The minute I hear that they’re up I get up. Ken is getting stronger every day. I don’t feel the need to follow him around. But. There is a way to go. We took him to get a haircut today. And then some people stopped by to visit. Tonight I made asparagus & mushroom soup, fennel & apple salad and cheddar cheese & green onion biscuits. Mom loves the fennel/apple salad but she only has it when I make it.

I continue to be aware of how my life at home is spent alone and in a constant reverie. I listen to radio and TV and read and I think about things. When I have conversations they are often about the stuff that’s going on in the world, or philosophy. Or I dunno…stuff.

I was counting on the blog world to keep me connected. But there’s too much need here. As soon as I get on line something happens. I’m having trouble keeping track of my inner world.

And maybe that’s the thing to try and do. Find a way to keep track of my inner world.

But…I’m not sure what I mean by that.

Tuesday, December 10, 2002

I have this thing. Maybe it’s an ethic. Or something. I try to accept people for who they are and not who I need or want them to be. It does sometimes mean that there are people who I can’t really be around much. My relationships with my Mom & Ken are limited. And in many ways it can be boiled down to differences in personality. But we love each other.

I think, because I was an only child, I’m not used to fighting. I mean I think there is a normal banter that occurs between people who are close. Sisters and brothers carp at each other. And married people carp at each other. I have NO idea how much is just sort of … normal. I spend so much time alone. And I need a certain amount of time alone. Some of the ways people talk to one another seem so aggressive to me. And I don’t take it well. My Mom knows this.

When I was younger, just away from home, she & I had terrible phone conversations. She would carp at me and I would recoil. One day I just said that I wouldn’t call her and let her talk to me in that mean way. For a few years we struggled to find a way to talk to one another. Phone calls were tense. And then we began to talk about Days of Our Lives. I swear. It was the only soap opera I ever watched. And I only watched it for a while. I swear. It was great because the good guys were good and the bad guys were bad and there were always a few characters who we could argue about. It was safe arguing. They weren’t real people. Slowly we began to find ways to talk to one another. We worked pretty hard for the relationship that we have. But the relationship that we have is contained in a Saturday night phone call.

This is harder. And I think a lot of it is about me not understanding the ways in which (some ) married people relate. I get tense if they argue or seem to not understand one another. I feel like I need to mediate. Which isn’t true.

Ken has home health care coming in to give him exercise now. Mom & I went to the recycling center to take the built recyclables. Then I cooked chicken in mushroom gravy, mashed potatoes and asparagus. Now she’s in the kitchen baking me a chocolate cake. Isn’t that sweet? She made a mincemeat pie for Ken on his first night home. I know she’s tired.


I’m getting used to the time difference and tonight I actually have some energy. I snuck off to the office. I managed to get my lap top hooked up to their Internet access. And I got my blog roll back. And … I may get some time tonight.

I finished Life of Pi . Very cool. Now I’m working on The Intuitionist.
It’s hard to explain what happens to my time here. I’m sitting. A lot. But the combination of Ken’s physical & mental limitations means that he needs someone near him every minute. He decides he’s going to do something and tries to get up. So I need to be ready to jump up and get the walker and help him up. Or try to talk him out of what he wants to do. Mom turned away from him for one minute last night and he fell. Fortunately he fell on his knees near the bed, so Mom called for me, he used his elbows on the bed and Mom & I were on each side and we got him up. I'm aways worried that he'll fall and we won't be able to get him up. We just need to watch him every minute.

And we have some kind of family Murphy’s Law going. Just when I head for the office and the computer something happens.

And Mom isn’t getting enough sleep at night so when ever she sits down she crashes and I try to keep things stable till she wakes back up.

And it is funny. Even when there’s nothing going on I can’t seem to get to the computer. Mom wants to talk or I’m too brain dead or whatever.

Yesterday we went to a variety of doctor’s office things. I spent the day in waiting rooms with a book. Then we went to a restaurant that Ken likes for an early dinner. He tried to get in and out with his walker but on the way out he couldn’t move one leg, so I ran to the car for the wheel chair.

I’m so immersed in life with Mom & Ken, and losing my blog roll, and not having time to spend on line, means I can’t really keep up with the big conversations. And I’m having trouble doing links. My blog life is fucked up. If I have time today I’m going to add a blog roll to the blogger blog. Wish I’d done this when I was home. But first I’m going to put up this post and and try to send some e-mail.
I did get to scan the hish over Anita Roddick’s fat suit.

Ya know what I hate worse than frat boys who shout things at me from cars? People who think they’re so liberal and understanding but who don’t get it and then want to be appreciated for being so … kind. My fat ass.
If Anita had walked around on her knees and then said she understood the problems of little people would people have thought her rude? See there are a few fat folks who aren’t going to take it anymore. We aren’t going to be grateful for limited kindness.

Well. That felt good. Just a little rant to get the blood moving back into my brain cells. I think the sound of Matlock playing at full volume from the TV is damaging my brain cells.

Thanks again for all the comments. It makes a difference.