Wednesday, November 05, 2014

Hang Over

A friend of mine is doing a thing with some of her friends. They're picking one bad habit to break and adding a good habit. There's a diet/exercise/weight loss component that I would roll my eyes at if I weren't still so eating disordered. No more gall bladder but still some post eating upper GI pain. I may have an ulcer. I took way too much Ibuprofen during the EA years, which may have caused it. I have some obvious symptoms but I don't have a complete match. In any case I'm still obsessed with trying to figure out how to eat and not have pain. I'm on more of a "diet" that I was when I was dieting. And I have lost some weight. My attitude about this is odd. After a fairly long time of really small portions of really healthy food I haven't lost much weight. Do I care? Not really but I wish I understood why.
I feel like I have good food instincts and a bunch of knowledge. I may give up coffee, which won't be a hardship but will make me sad. I'm just going to have to keep trying to figure it out.
And I miss the pool so much I could cry.
So. Diet. Exercise. I'm all in.
I thought about a bad habit I could give up and I've already been working on one. Turning off the talk news. It would be easy for me to that after yesterday's election. The talk is just annoying and it's already turning to 2016. This morning I feel as toxic as I would have if I'd consumed a ton of gin. A gin hangover will put me off it for awhile. Today I have a politics hang over. I do love me some Rachel Maddow. I like Chis Hayes, Steve Kornacki, Melissa Harris Perry, Alex Wagner. But I'm way more willing to miss them from time to time. I listen to OPB a fair amount of the time but that isn't all news.
Here's the catch. I'm headed to Mommy Land tomorrow. The mommy puts on MSNBC first thing and has it on alllllll day. If she turns it off it's to watch one of two or three TV shows or movies that she has watched over and over and over. The upside of this is I get a a lot of reading done when I'm there. She always wants me sitting next to her but I get really good at tuning out the TV.
The positive thing I've been working on is listening to more music, which I'm getting pretty good at on the weekend. But again, the mommy isn't going to deal. And me with my IPod in my ear won't be acceptable. So...
There is a pool at Mommy Land and I'm hoping we're going to use it this year.
I'm going to be trying to get the mommy set up with more care. It will not be easy. She's resistant to pretty much everything pretty much all of the time. I go.
There will be frogs.

Tuesday, November 04, 2014

Ya Vote

Mom didn't vote. First time in 88 years. It is true that she lacks motivation for most things because of her mental decline but it is also true that she's put off by politics. I don't blame her.
I don't know anyone who is exactly excited about voting today. I know people who are fully committed to voting. I know people who are fully disenfranchised.
There were elections in which I didn't vote. I was disenfranchised. I'm still not loving the institutional politics. And I really, really, really hate the pounds of paper ads and commercials There are so may truly useful things that could be done with that money. The endless polls and punditry are brain mostly numbing.
Oregon does a really cool thing. They mail you a ballot. The first time it happened I almost tossed it because I thought it was sample ballot. For me, with transportation and mobility issues, it's a really happy thing. As I sit here looking out the window at the steady rain I am happy my ballot is already done and sent.
But I actually like going to the poll. It feels like community. Seeing the same poll workers. Seeing people from the neighborhood. Getting the cute little sticker.  
So I hope people vote. I think it matters. And. I really hope we find a way to make it feel like it does.
You will not hear me saying that if you don't vote you can't complain. Of course you can. But this is a thing you can do. There are other things you can do. But this does matter.

Monday, November 03, 2014

While I Was Sleeping

I wrote a really long post the other day. I didn't post it because it felt rambling and disoriented. Today I checked and ... yeah ... rambling and disorientated. Delete.
For the first few days of my recovery I was drugged and mostly asleep. Even when I wasn't asleep I often had my eyes closed because I was nauseated. I didn't even turn on the computer. I checked Facebook on my phone from time to time but it was all a bit of a blur. And there were interesting things happening that I wanted to have conversations about but I couldn't form coherent thoughts.
This happens to me even when I'm not on drugs. I rarely have opinions that don't include accommodation of other possibilities. It's a relief when I do have an absolute feeling. Most of the time I am arguing internally. I actually want this level of discomfort because I want to be intellectually open and flexible. Boundaries usually feel semipermeable.  
The post was about my desire for complexity in conversations. And that is all. The problem with it was me trying to use a few cultural events to talk about it and being all over the map.
So I get why it's hard for me to write much. My thinking is static, meandering, abstract. Not necessarily bad thinking but not exactly easy to organize. It's one of the reasons I don't do much on Twitter.
Sometimes I don't let it stop me. I write the wandering loopy stuff out and toss it into the fray.
The problem is that I still want to have the conversations. There was a cafe time in my life. I wandered from cafe to cafe meeting up with friends and talking. I didn't have much money so I mostly drank coffee. I can remember feeling an electric buzz in my blood stream from day long caffeine. It was fun.
And the early days of blogging felt a bit like that. Like there were conversions popping everywhere and it was possible to participate. All that is still out there but I am not as willing to engage. Conversations in comment boxes don't always work.
I think the fact that I was only half awake made me want to participate more than the days when I'm scrolling along skipping the four hundred posts about famous people (except Joni Mitchel and Leonard Cohen and Ram Das) (and Wavy Gravy) skipping the constructed social models and new health trends. Skipping the endless quiz-of-the-day (mostly.) Skipping the animals and babies unless they belong to a friend.
It might have been funny to post the rambling disoriented post. I may flatter myself to imagine most of my posts aren't rambling and disoriented.