Monday, November 03, 2014

While I Was Sleeping

I wrote a really long post the other day. I didn't post it because it felt rambling and disoriented. Today I checked and ... yeah ... rambling and disorientated. Delete.
For the first few days of my recovery I was drugged and mostly asleep. Even when I wasn't asleep I often had my eyes closed because I was nauseated. I didn't even turn on the computer. I checked Facebook on my phone from time to time but it was all a bit of a blur. And there were interesting things happening that I wanted to have conversations about but I couldn't form coherent thoughts.
This happens to me even when I'm not on drugs. I rarely have opinions that don't include accommodation of other possibilities. It's a relief when I do have an absolute feeling. Most of the time I am arguing internally. I actually want this level of discomfort because I want to be intellectually open and flexible. Boundaries usually feel semipermeable.  
The post was about my desire for complexity in conversations. And that is all. The problem with it was me trying to use a few cultural events to talk about it and being all over the map.
So I get why it's hard for me to write much. My thinking is static, meandering, abstract. Not necessarily bad thinking but not exactly easy to organize. It's one of the reasons I don't do much on Twitter.
Sometimes I don't let it stop me. I write the wandering loopy stuff out and toss it into the fray.
The problem is that I still want to have the conversations. There was a cafe time in my life. I wandered from cafe to cafe meeting up with friends and talking. I didn't have much money so I mostly drank coffee. I can remember feeling an electric buzz in my blood stream from day long caffeine. It was fun.
And the early days of blogging felt a bit like that. Like there were conversions popping everywhere and it was possible to participate. All that is still out there but I am not as willing to engage. Conversations in comment boxes don't always work.
I think the fact that I was only half awake made me want to participate more than the days when I'm scrolling along skipping the four hundred posts about famous people (except Joni Mitchel and Leonard Cohen and Ram Das) (and Wavy Gravy) skipping the constructed social models and new health trends. Skipping the endless quiz-of-the-day (mostly.) Skipping the animals and babies unless they belong to a friend.
It might have been funny to post the rambling disoriented post. I may flatter myself to imagine most of my posts aren't rambling and disoriented.