Some time ago I went to my old site to look for something and couldn't get it to load. Not sure why. I've been meaning to switch the URL here but I wasn't sure how to handle the archives. After the last two posts I did some vanity searches looking for privilege lists references and there was my site. Weird. I got a little lost looking through archives.
When I thought I'd lost the site (figured something went wrong with the hosting because I missed something) I felt sad. Sort of. In some ways I had already let go of it all. Once I tried to print a bunch of it out but it was massive and odd. Too many links to things that were central to whatever I was writing. From my very first post I was wandering back and forth from a daily journal to an attempt to participate in a community of fellow bloggers. I don't think I did either particularly well because it was too much to negotiate. The conversations only made sense to the other people reading the same blogs, the fat politics only made sense to the fat politicos, the what I had for dinner ... oh I dunno. It was all over the place. Not always bad but disoriented. Or something.
I read a bunch of old stuff including a poem that I thought was written by someone else not because it was good or bad but just because I didn't remember it. At all.
I had a similar experience with old paper journals recently when a friend was visiting. I wanted to show her a picture so I pulled a few off the shelf. It's been years since I kept a regular paper journal. I always loved finding the a new one and that moment when the pen hits the clean white page. I never did find what I was looking for but we both looked at old stuff and laughed about what was going on back in the day.
I do feel really sad about the loss of my teenage journals. Long stupid story about why I don't have them. I'm sure they're full of angst.
I've always been more of a hopes and fears journal writer. Instead of a this is what happened journal writer. All this rambling around has me in an emotional fog. Unclear.
This post. This is me trying to hang on.