I was in a play with Roseanne Barr. When you read that you should call up the way Meryl Streep says - I had a farm in Africa - at the beginning of Out of Africa. I always do.
It was decades ago in Colorado. She was just beginning to be known as a comedian in Denver and I had my little rock-n-roll band in Boulder. A Denver playwrite had a one act she was entering in a contest the title of which was Hey Hey Big Girl. It was about two sisters who owned a dress shop. I was the very fashionable one and Roseanne was the slob. There were three other women in the play but I don't remember their parts. The sisters fought but I don't remember why. I think there were songs. I don't remember much about the play at all except that I thought it was dumb. So did Roseanne.
We performed at the contest and once more at a friend of mine's dance studio. After the studio performance Roseanne over heard the director being asked what it was like to work with fat woman. She said she had lost weight.
Yep.
I loved Roseanne. She was the first fat woman I'd ever met who wasn't ashamed about being fat. She was direct, smart and so much fun. I haven't met a lot of fat women without that shame. Even in the size acceptance community. I haven't met many fat women with whom I had such a great connection. We were fat. And that wasn't all we were. We were women with dreams and talents and plans.
I saw her twice after the play. We talked about writing our own play. She told me she was leaving for LA to do the Comedy Store but she would be back. I said she was going to get famous really fast. She assured me she'd stay in touch.
She did get famous really fast.
She did not stay in touch.
I watched her career and always felt like I was on a similar path.
I wasn't.
At some point in life I realized that not getting famous was the best thing that could have happened to me. I don't think I would have done well with fame. I think I would have done a lot of drugs and died. The very limited experience I had with a very little bit of being famous was alienating. I just don't think I would have handled it.
If you told me then that Roseanne would say the kinds of things she's been saying I would have thought you were wrong. There was no evidence then of who she became. And ... I kind of don't care why it happened. Did she have some kind of breakdown? Was it drugs? Was it fame? I have no idea and ...again ... I don't care. I don't care because there's no way for me to really know. And it doesn't matter. She's been saying some really crazy stuff for a long time. I kept thinking there was joke that I wasn't getting. Because none of it was funny. I've always been sad about the loss of her friendship and it's clear to me that we would not have been friends for long.
You can say that racism lives dormant or quietly in white people. I wouldn't argue with you. In America we have all been cooked in it. I can say that I have done a lot of work to uncover my own and I feel like I always will need to do that work.
I don't feel bad about what's happening to her. I have a list of people I'd like to see be held similarly accountable.
I lost a friend years ago.
I've been losing her ever since.
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