Thursday, July 19, 2018

The Writing

I have gone through the whole book. Picked and deleted and rearranged. I will be going through it again.
At first I printed things out because I was determined to be done. But as I went through I kept making changes. The beginning has been gone over so many times but even there I made changes when I saw that there was a way to link things as I went along. My current plan is to read the printed text. I feel like it might be different than always reading on the screen.
It just amazes me because I always find mistakes. Like once I left the l out of health. Spell check won't save you from something like that. I remember when I was doing the reading at our MFA group read. The text had been edited by me and many class mates and teachers AND STILL ... there were mistakes. Now I always read out loud because I know things pop out when you do that.
Mostly I'm having fun and I like the book. But some days I feel like it's stupid and futile.
What do I mean by that? I'm not really sure.
The purpose of the book is to create a portrait of a life in a fat body that causes people who aren't fat to see being fat differently. It seems so abstract sometimes. I have had the experience of telling a few stories of  the fat related things that have happened in my life to someone and they are shocked. Shocked by the things that have been said to me in public. Shocked by the things medical professionals have said to me. But the shock wears off. I'm hoping for deeper insight.
It feels like swimming against the tide.
The other goal (and maybe this should be first) is that it be a good read. I have a certain amount of confidence in my writing but when someone doesn't respond well to it I tend to be flattened. Intellectually I know that some people just aren't going to like it and that's no big deal. But emotionally I wobble. Right now I feel extremely needy. Like me. Please like me.
It's just a roller coaster.
Right now ... I'm going to clear off the desk and get to work. Unless clearing off the desk takes too long. Or something distracts me. Or I need a nap.

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