Doughnuts

The other day I wanted doughnuts. I wanted a box of doughnuts. I wanted to eat a box of doughnuts and watch TV.
When I was a preteen the mommie, K and I used to stop at Dunkin Doughnuts and go to a friend's house. Actually it was a couple who were the mommie and K's friends. They had a daughter who was my age (I think). I don't think we actually liked each other that much. We'd go to her room. Eat a lot of doughnuts. I think she wanted to watch something like the Twilight Zone. Something that freaked me out. My memories are vague about everything but the doughnuts. They made me sick. Every time. I'd be sick in the car on the way home. It was decades before I wanted another doughnut.
When I worked at EA we had doughnuts every other week. Not just any old doughnut. Krispy Kremes. Probably fresh ones considering how close we were to the factory. At first I didn't participate but I was curious about the famous doughnuts. Eventually I tried a glazed. It was good. And I didn't get sick. Then I tried a jelly. Then I started taking a glazed and a jelly. I was all in.
One day when I went for a break there were still doughnuts on the table. I looked both ways and then superstitiously grabbed a third. Went out to the balcony and ate it as fast as I could. I wasn't sure what I was worried about. I ate forbidden (for fat people) foods in public all the time. But I felt like doughnuts were ... trashy. I had no idea where that thought came from or that I had it in me but there it was.
I just finished Heavy by Kiese Laymon. Fierce. Relentless. Chronicling his life growing up in Mississippi. There is so much in the book it's hard to narrow what it's about but he is fat and that is my theme. At one point he is on his own. Away from the people who tell him he needs to lose weight. He goes to one of those restaurants where they sell big breakfast specials and eats a long list of foods. Then he goes to Dunkin Doughnuts and gets a box. He writes that he felt free. I felt that in my bones.
When you're a fat kid everyone has something to say about what you eat. Doctors, teachers, parents, grandparents. other kids. You often feel monitored. I never did a lot of secret eating but I have had moments like that one on the balcony. I'm always confounded by the ideas we have about food. Most of all why we care what anyone else thinks about what we eat.
My ageing digestive system would never deal with a box of doughnuts. Not the amount. Not the sugar/carb combo. My system would punish me for days.
That night DeAnna walked in with a big pink VooDoo doughnut box. It was like she had read my mind. There were only two in the box but VooDoo doughnuts are huge. One had coconut on top, which made me so happy. I enjoyed every bite. The second was chocolate and peanut butter and Oreos. I picked off the Oreos so I could eat more of the doughnut.
After a day of wanting them there they were and they were good. I did't get sick. Well. Maybe a little belly ache but not too bad.