Sigh

 So that whole I'm going to write every day even if it's bad thing didn't work out. I'm not sure why I stopped. I know I was tired of having nothing to say. I don't remember the first day that I skipped it. And then another day and another day and another day...

My - I'm better - post was premature. I am better. But there are days when things are just bad. And I don't have energy for much of anything. But there are also days when I can get a few things done. 

Mandy helped me rearrange the furniture in my library. I wanted to be able to get to the books. Moving furniture has always been a happy thing for me. I just can't do it myself. There was a lot of dust. We still need to move the books themselves. I've been able to do a little bit of that. I spend so much time just looking at the shelves and feeling happy. 

I recently finished reading Elena Ferrante's - In the Margins. She writes about those red lines on the paper we wrote on in school. I got terrible grades on my handwriting, which will surprise no one who has seen my handwriting. It gets worse every day.  

She says she has two kinds of writing. Compliant and impetuous. Compliant being more like the writing required by the academy. Impetuous being writing that comes from a place she cannot summon or control. She aspires to writing that is strong and her own. I aspire to writing that ... happens. 

Heh. 

 

Better

 This weekend I did some (very small) projects. I cleaned up my files and the bag with all the bags. Really. Small things. 

But I haven't been able to do things since last year. The bare minimum to get through a day is almost too much. There's been a T-shirt on the counter across from the washer and dryer for weeks. Not folded. I just can't. Well. Actually, I folded it today.  

There's been this achy tiredness that keeps me down. It feels like it's in my bones. It's not as bad as it has been. 

My knees still hurt. Standing at the sink trying to clean things up I can feel the pain building. There's almost always something in the sink that I gave up on. 

But. I am better. The shoulder is better. The wrist is better. the stomach is better. And. I was able to put away the shirts that were on the bed today. I'd be happier about it if I trusted it. I'm still cautious. 

Decolonizng

 I've been trying to understand the mechanics of decolonizing in a psychological way.  

There are obvious things like decentralizing whiteness. In my current world that doesn't mean a lot. I'm alone most of the time. Hood River is very white. So, I live in white space on a micro and a macro way. But I've lived and worked in less white space for years. Restaurant kitchens are multi-cultural, generally.

I'm thinking more about the smaller and more subtle things, which are really hard to explain. Mostly because I don't understand them yet. 

Also. Cleaning out my file cabinet. Which is way easier. 

Full

 Just ate a bunch of cherries. Fresh from a tree. Thank you, Jane. 

My stomach is less likely to expel everything I eat but still easily annoyed. Usually in the early part of the evening I think about what ate during the day and it's never much. But my stomach is done for the day. I just never really know how much is enough. But I know to err on the side of less. 

Or else. 

Two of my favorite things are coming in season. Peaches and tomatoes. Last year they were too acidic. This year, I guess we'll see. 

Headache

 Every time I've received a Covid jab I've had headaches. Small. Spikey. And then gone. This last one was the same. Went to bed with a headache and woke up fine. 

Last year I had a concussion. I had concussion related headaches for months. I'd started to think I'd never get rid of them. When I had this last vaccine related headache, I realized that I hadn't had concussion headache for a while. I just didn't notice when they stopped. 

So, my concussion is gone. I guess. 

I think I'm fully vaxed but someone I read is getting them every six months. 

Really? 

It's sort of stunning how little we seem to be sure about after almost three years. 

   

Page

 Facebook has made some changes to the page I created for this page. There's no more connection between that page and Blogger. I'm sure I could figure it out but I'm tired of the changes social media makes without notification or input. The page was never as clean as I wanted it to be. Facebook was always adding crap. I'm going to leave it alone for a while and then (maybe) delete it. I'll just post directly to my page. 

Hard to care. 

I'm trying to write more but I'm still struggling. I can spit out a sixty second TikTok most days, but writing comes from an inner place that is broken. I'm trying to fix it. Or at least prop it up. 

And I'm going to keep trying. 

zzzzzzz

 It's unrealistic to believe I'm going to get to sleep on the Fourth of July. I live too close to where they set off the fireworks. Even when they're over there are more cars on the street and more people. Individual bangs and booms go off for hours. 

I stopped trying and watched TV. 

The whole day felt weird. And today didn't feel much better. 

I hate how the news gets focused on one thing and can't seem to see anything else. 

Oh, but wait. There are endless hearings to dissect.

I need some sleep.