Friday, December 20, 2002

My archives for this blog are missing. I don’t know why I’m worried. I haven’t been doing any mind bending writing here. But I am sentimental. Once you start this on line journal thing it becomes addictive. And I like having a record. But if Dorothea doesn’t know how to fix it … then I don’t think it can be fixed. I followed some blogger help directions. They didn’t work. Ray’s archives are another matter. I don’t want to think that one of his poems is lost. They are all too beautiful.
I found out about the archive problem last night after dinner when I grabbed a second chance for some computer time and I read Dorothea’s post about delinking in which she says some very kind words about me. I have to say that it was a great thing to read right now. I thought, ”Oh yeah… I used to think about stuff and write my thoughts down. I remember that. That was fun.”
I think this may be how mothers feel after a day of trying to care for their children. I’m not sure how Dru does it.
I’ve been reading about the delinking hooha on a few blogs. I haven’t got much to say since I have never been a big reader of the blogger who did the delinking and I don’t care enough to write about why. Not right now. Right now Mom is swimming and I am listening to every little noise that comes from the bed room trying to make sure Ken is OK.
But I have been thinking about it. Because it seems like there are some really hurt feelings in bloggerville. On the one hand I think that says something about how amazing people are. People write their lives on a web site and friendships develop between people who may never meet. There is something truly wonderful about that. But I have hurt feeling about things that I’ve read on other people’s blogs. Or not read. I wrote something once that was taken in a way that I did not intend it.
On the other hand I think it’s like any relationship. You meet someone and feel a connection and you begin a relationship. After a while you see the places where you don’t feel the love, or a hurt happens. For me this is a pivotal point in my relationships. How someone responds to my hurt has everything to do with how much I feel I can involve myself with another person.
This stuff is particularly acute for me right now since I am living with people who I have some deep unresolved hurts with. And I have an equally deep sense that resolution is impossible with them. And that has everything to do with a way of being in the world. A way of assigning value. It’s not that I am not valued here. I certainly am. Parts of me are not valued here. My thoughts are not valued here.
My cooking is valued. And, really, my presence is valued. I know it means a lot that I am here. That’s all I need to be.
I’m thinking a lot about relationships these days. How they work and don’t work.
Many of the people who read me are people who I have met. I am always grateful for their generosity. I am always grateful that anyone spends the time reading me. Because, it feels like they place value on a part of me that I work very hard to develop -- the way I think about things and the way I express those thoughts. That’s the part of me where my hearts pounds.
Well. OK. There are other parts of me that cause my heart to pound. Heh.
It’s almost time for Mom to come home. I’ll be making a fruit bowl for Ken. She’ll be getting him bathed and dressed.
And maybe later my archives will be back as mysteriously as they disappeared.

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